Another New Year…

I don’t do the whole New Year resolution thing; I have never been able to stick to them but I did have a six year plan which I managed to achieve!

Having reached that destination and had time to “settle” into my new life as a teacher in a happy, non-abusive relationship, I feel as though I am just muddling through on a daily basis and not really getting anywhere. So, thinking about new year has made me realise I need to have some idea where I want my life to be heading.

Despite having had time to adjust, teaching completely dominates my life and time, except for twice a year (Christmas and summer holidays). It is only in these holidays that I seem able to take some of the time out and not be working. I have found it near on impossible to have a weekend and do anything with my two children. This is not what I wanted. I have also found that I am financially struggling still, if not more so. Ever rising bills, renting a house and no sign of the secure future I thought would come.

I had thought I would be chasing promotions, building my income higher and getting that lifestyle I see almost everyone around me with which seems perpetually out of reach to me. However, this has not been possible. I really don’t see how I could take on any more when I struggle to fit my work in now which also means income is not going to increase.

I need to become more efficient. With an ever changing curriculum and schemes of work to match, I’m not sure how I’m going to achieve this. I have experimented a little with marking and hopefully I may become quicker at this but I do know that reducing the hours I’m working is key to absolutely everything else.

So the rest of this academic year is going to be focused on finding ways in which to do this. Finding more time is crucial to so much: more time with my children; more time for me to get fit, write and read; more time for me to increase my income; more time for me to actively help others.

On top of this, I really wish to ensure my wonderful, caring other half gets to achieve his dream of becoming a paramedic. He has selflessly been a volunteer giving medical aid, has gained the first aid qualifications he can and really deserves a chance at this. He needs work and he needs to get on that course but I really hope I can help him on his way.

Most of all, I want to heal. I want to stop feeling guilty for absolutely nothing. I want to stop being so fucking angry at the sight of my ex. I want to stop building barriers. I want to stop insisting on independence and not relying on anyone. I want to feel I am worth it. I want to feel as though I am a good person who is good at something.

I’ve no doubt that this will take more than a year but I want to reach the end of 2014 and look back at this post and feel a little progress has been made in each of these areas and that I have still kept a roof over the head of my children and food in their stomach.


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